When we bump up against our limits

Pouring out:
Serving communion at
Elementary School
Spiritual Emphasis Week

On Wednesday I preached at Middle and High School chapels about abiding... about how much power and freedom there is when we abide... about the beauty and the peace that come when we stop striving and rest in what He has already accomplished {which is everything}... and then there was Thursday.

I've come to realize I'm not a short fuse person- I have a very long fuse... however, once you reach the end: look out. I can be patient and obliging for a long time. I have heaps of grace and appreciation for this very different culture I live in. Until I don't. When I just want my babies to see the doctor {at the time they told me to come in} or get their cavity filled or have a date lunch with my husband and everything conspires against me. Or so it feels. I know this is a bit dramatic. But yesterday it felt dramatic.

Our weekly routine has shifted now that I'm working part-time at our kids' school. And I am around more people more often than I was our last term. And I feel the need to be much more intentional with my kids when I am home. These realities may be slowly draining my very friendly, introverted self.

And yet. He is keeping me... when I let Him. There are days when you know much will be demanded of you- when you are pouring and pouring- and you take the time you need for Him to fill you. But then there are days like Thursday when things don't seem like a big deal, and then the little one is up at 4:59am, and you just don't get that time. And all morning you find yourself bumping up against your humanity and your self and your limits. Empty.

It's not pretty. But the discovery of who I am when left to my own devices throws me on His grace. Seeing my self in all its selfish, impatient, angry blaze humbles me. And John 15 comes flooding back like conviction and hope mixed together: "apart from Me you can do nothing" {John 15:5} which then means "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."{Philippians 4:13}.

Studying the Enneagram, we can "learn how to recognize and dis-identify with the parts of our personalities that limit us so we can be reunited with our truest and best selves, that 'pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven,' as Thomas Merton said.

That's the blaze I want glowing within me. And I can only get there when I abide in Him, and allow Him to shine His light on those broken and fallen places within me.

linking up today at the Grove @Velvet Ashes: